I Never Knew

Blast from the past,
I remembered my youth,
Folly; darkness,

I never knew,
How wretched,
My heart did crave.

From bad to worse,
The illusion,
Into delusion,
Against my soul!

It’s door slammed,
Into confusion,
Each side.

But love yearned,
Amidst the cracks,
Of my soul.

I did not know,
My soul belonged to God,
Before I was born,
He knew,
The pain,
The suffering,
Aching of love,
Only Jesus!

Each step into darkness,
His Light,
There stood,
Just watching,
Until I understood.

Earthly love,
Like bubbles,
Then gone!

The Light,
Brighter still,
New dawn,
The Truth,
So needed I,
To see God,
Look above!

Our time here,
On earth,
So very short,
Seek out the Light,
Seek out the Way,
Seek out the Truth,

Time is running out,
God’s embrace,
To His enemies,
Those of the world!

In a twinkling of an eye,
The Heavens will roar,
You could be left,
Save those in,



‘To my beloved’

November 1, 2007

2 Timothy 1 v 2

” …. my dearly beloved …..”

As I researched the true meaning of the word ‘beloved’,  I turned to my first port of call a dictionary and thesaurus. they have always helped me to put together words to my feelings.

Now ‘beloved’ I thought would be a straightforward word.  Not so.  Head knowledge has to become heart revelation. You see it is not just a word.  Beloved actually is a describing word or an adjective and its definition comes from old english ‘ Be Loved’. The dictionary words for beloved are cherished, favourite, hallowed, precious, prized, revered, well-liked.  Again we are dealing with the heart here and if there is one thing I have had no understanding until Christs love and that is to ‘be loved’.

I went to the Book,  Songs of Solomon and the beautiful poetry of how a man and a woman have been given the gift of love from God for one another to share both physically, mentally and spiritually.  This was the breaking point for me.  I burst into tears because I know I have been denied this.

From childhood into adulthood I have not been loved.  I felt all the bitterness of the years come pouring out of me and feelings of such agitation and despair. The shame of my youth of being abused and letting man rule my life to do whatever they wanted to do with it.  Always seeking love only to find lust.  I got up to make some toast and coffee- in admist of tears.  I poured out my complaints to God.  It is good to be honest with God He knows anyway.  Pour your heart to Him.  He cares for You.

Psalm 38 – The burden of suffering

“O Lord, rebuke me not in thy wrath; neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.  For thine arrows stick fast in me, and thy hand presseth me sore.  …”
“For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me… ”

“I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart…”

“Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee….”

“My lovers, and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off….”

“But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied….”

“Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God be not far from me.  Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation…”

Still doesn’t take the heartache away yet as I stood waiting for the kettle to boil Jesus spoke Isaiah 54 to me.  Peace washed over my heart because although I hadn’t read the words for sometime, I knew they were words of comfort.  God is the God of Comfort!  With a capital C!!

This is what I would like to share with you.  I wanted to skip over the first word and go straight into the main body of text but Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega the beginning and the end.  You must always start at the beginning even if it is uncomfortable and since this word was the first word and in capitals with an exclamation mark I knew it needed my attention.  Well God got my attention.  The first word in Isaiah 54 is SING!!

To be honest the last thing you want to do when your upset is sing.   Drown in my sorrows, mulling over years of pain and neglect and yes jealousy that somehow God has overlooked me in denying me my hearts desire.

Well I didn’t break literally into song but my heart was comforted straight away.  God always starts on a positive note.  His note!!  This was just the beginning of  God composing and orchestrating His Word of love to those who have not been loved.  Although He uses the word ‘barren’ it is a spiritual meaning as well.  This Word is for men and women.  Both have been deprived of love, Gods Word is for all.

Isaiah 54 v 4-5

“Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed; neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more”

“For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel.  The God of the whole earth shall he be called”.

This was such an amazing word to me because I have thought that there must be something unloveable, even when I knew I was pretty in my youth I was shunned and pushed away.  You see I thought it was enough to look pretty and say pretty things but it did not work.  No matter how much I tried to please my parents, my siblings, my boyfriends and eventually my husbands they just didn’t love me.  Yes it has confounded me.  But here God is saying ‘neither be thou confounded’.

God is saying, the new wine I give you will not confound you any longer, you shall not be put to shame any longer.

God is saying ‘thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth and not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more’.  God is saying we will forget.

The past will not haunt you.  The reproach you have had all these years will be taken from you.  God is to do that, not man.

I was also struck by the word ‘widowhood’.  Not only  does Widowhood mean to be without a husband through death but also women who have not had a husband.

There is a term called ‘golfing widow’ which means the wife does not see hide nor hare of her husband, he’s always out playing golf.  His affections lie elsewhere.  Some of you might be widowed but others could be widowed because their husbands are just not part of their lives.  I am in this situation myself, yet again!

Now here is the TRUTH

‘For thy Maker, is thine husband’.  God is saying I am your husband. The Lord of hosts himself is taking the place of where your husband should have been.  He is the Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

What a privilege for God to say to us, the Maker of heaven and earth, ‘I AM YOUR HUSBAND’.

I have neglected the very thing that is essential.  To put God first.  I have put getting a husband to love me the most important thing in my life, but here the Truth is God is saying I AM YOUR HUSBAND.

I want to draw your attention of Psalm 127 (King James Version) and it is very relevant about how we position God in our lives.


“Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep”

After years of stress the Lord has given me ‘his beloved sleep”.  As I give each day my life, my work, my husband, my family (who do not know the Lord), I trust that in His time He will fulfill all His promises.

God’s love is pure and although I speak as a woman I know there are many men who have been just as abused and neglected.

God is still saying the same words as Paul said in 2 Timothy

“To Timothy, my dearly beloved son…”

Paul knew Jesus Christ, was changed by Him and it shows in his letter to Timothy.

As a final thought to ponder,  I read today some use the word ‘epistle’ to describe the new testament letters.  As I looked up the word ‘epistle’ one of its meanings was formal. This suggests that Paul’s letters were written in a formal manner.  I have to disagree with that.  I have worked over 20 years as a secretary and have typed thousand of formal letters for many professional companies and never once did I see the word ‘dearly beloved’!

This letter to Timothy was a love letter from God, using Paul his brother a humble servant of Jesus Christ.

May we too go out in the love of Jesus Christ with the same attitude of humble love towards our brethren.  Who knows this could be the very witness the world needs right now has been waiting for, so that Jesus’ name will be exalted and as He said ‘I will bring all men to myself’.

So on this note from God he says to you all ‘ My Dearly beloved’.

God Bless
Jacqui Julyan